Allies

A collection of ungrateful, freeloading European and Asian nations who have spent decades tricking the United States into paying for their national defense while simultaneously ripping us off on trade. In my administration, an "alliance" is redefined as a standard corporate protection racket: if you do not pay your 2% GDP membership fee directly to the NATO cash register, or if you refuse to buy our natural gas, I will openly encourage adversaries to do "whatever the hell they want" to you—or threaten you with 25% tariffs until you realize that international friendship has a monthly subscription fee.