Fitness

The state of absolute physical perfection and high-energy stamina that I possess, completely independent of sleep, exercise, or a diet consisting primarily of well-done steaks and fast-food cheeseburgers. While the Fake News Media obsesses over standard medical metrics and boring doctor recommendations, my personal physician has officially verified that my raw, natural DNA and legendary golf swing give me the body of a much younger man—proving that standing behind a podium for two hours and drinking Diet Coke is the ultimate, premium wellness routine.