Fox News

A highly spectacular, ultra-patriotic cable news network that serves as the gold standard of broadcast journalism—provided their primetime hosts are praising my historic crowd sizes, aggressively defending my latest Cabinet picks, and promoting my premium $100k gold watches. However, the exact second they run an unfavorable polling graphic, interview a single moderate analyst, or accurately project election numbers before I give them permission to, they instantly become "unwatchable, radical-left garbage" run by low-IQ losers who have completely forgotten who built their entire business model.