Nobody Knows More About X Than Me

A universal declaration of supreme, instant expertise on any subject currently mentioned in the news cycle, ranging from tax law and drone technology to military strategy, agriculture, and the inner workings of the human immune system. This phrase automatically activates when I am in front of a microphone, immediately overriding the collective lifetime knowledge of actual scientists, generals, historians, and industry experts—all of whom are allegedly left completely stunned by my raw, natural intellect. Note: X can be seamlessly swapped with literally any noun presented to me by a reporter five seconds ago.