Victim

The highly tragic, historically unprecedented status that I hold at all times, completely eclipsing the collective suffering of all war survivors, martyrs, and historical figures combined. Despite possessing a multi-billion-dollar empire, a hand-picked Supreme Court that granted me absolute immunity, and a private jet, I am officially the most persecuted and mistreated human being to ever walk the earth. This status is beautifully activated the exact microsecond any prosecutor, judge, or tax auditor attempts to read a legal statute aloud in my presence, immediately transforming their standard civic duty into a cruel, highly coordinated, and completely unconstitutional assault on my personal feelings.