Windmill

A giant, bird-slaughtering, whale-deafening steel monstrosity that represents the ultimate ruin of the American landscape and the premier folly of clean energy. According to my highly advanced, self-taught ecological research, these spinning blights immediately slash nearby property values by an exact, mathematically verified 75%, emit low-frequency vibrations that instantly cause cancer, and transmit underwater sound waves that drive whales "a little batty" until they wash ashore on a weekly basis. Most critically, they are the sole reason your husband or wife cannot watch me on television the second the wind stops blowing, proving that my crusade to protect birds from this "industrial graveyard" makes me the greatest environmentalist in history.